fml.

Do you ever feel like everything you're doing is completely wrong? Lately I've been feeling like I'm going in a downward spiral. I've missed meetings after meetings, deadlines after deadlines, and even a few classes here and there. I dont really know what to do anymore. Like I know that I am doing everything willingly and that if I find it in myself to change things around they can but I don't know how to physically do that. For the past month I've been so hard on myself about everything. My looks, my academics, how much I eat, literally everything you can think of and its been so much pressure on myself sometimes I even feel like I'm doing that thing where I sleep to get things off my mind. I remember first semester senior year how difficult it was to adjust to not really having friends and just the difficulties of going through the difficulties of the college application process.

Lately I've also been struggling with wanting a male companion around. I feel like all my life I've used men as an escape from reality. Like I block off all of my other emotions and just feel for that person when I'm in the moment and lately that's all I've wanted to do. Yesterday I put up with a lot of disrespect from the dude that I'm dealing with. I'm not sure if it was deserved or not because I think for the most part I've been very straightforward with him but it was just a really bizzarre experience and like nothing I've ever really dealt with. Like back in my senior year towards the end I was really interested in Jamil and even him, who made me feel so little sometimes, really doesn't compare with the things that this dude does. Like this dude intentionally tries to hurt me and I think he wants to push me away but I just dont really get it. I have such a big heart and thats really hard to deal with sometimes. I dont think people understand that I just want to love everyone and it's not even like I want to love him because I'm not really interested in that, In my head I've already eliminated that as a possibility and I've accepted that as well. But I just want to understand why he did what he was doing, I feel like I've explored every possibility and nothing really makes sense to me. I feel like there's something that is really bothering him about himself or that he's just never really explored something maybe not as deep because I dont think either of us have explored the possibilities of having feelings for each other but I think that this is something new and different and that as confusing as it may be for me it is probably just as confusing for him.

As far as my academics go, I really have no idea what to do with myself. Like actually.