Feeling the feels.

I don't really know where to begin, I'm hoping that in this moment I can really face what has been bothering me for so long. I honestly dont know what to say, its like a wave of emotions, one moment I feel at ease or at least like everything has paused and then other moments it feels like my entire world has come crashing down. I usually trace the way I've been feeling to a pattern that really became a source of anxiety beginning in january. Sometimes I can even trace it back to novemeber and even further back to sometime in november of 2013 and then I can even recall feeling a similar way fall of 2011. I wont mention her name but yesterday she really made me feel like shit, as if I dont already feel like shit about myself. The words "you've always had anxiety" sunk so deep into my chest. I'm pretty sure that's when I started to cry. It's honestly been such a long time since I've felt like myself, its so weird to feel like there are more times I dont feel like myself than there are that I feel like myself. Those moments where I feel like myself come so brief and I almost have to dragg them out. They come out when I'm shopping and I invision who I really am, "this 5'5 latina girl, short hair but usually mid length, curly hair, I prefer my hair to be a burgundy brown and sunkissed in different parts, smiling of course. In terms of body size I stopped clinging to this idea that I would look perfect being a size 4. Right now perfect is the size I am and I mean that. Last year I lost total sense of my body image, I was invisible to myself. Not only did I stop feeling like my self but I physically stopped being me. I got extremely fat and gained about 30pounds. Almost reached 190 pounds at 187. It was weird and it was even harder to do that infront of everyone. 

Drew has loved me since the day he met me and as I write this I immediately experience this large wave of emotions. My eyes immediately fill with water. I feel sad because I havent been able to love him but nonetheless I've clung to him. He's literally been my lifeline. Drew has watched me at all waves of myself, the happy, the sad, the mad, the shattered, the put together, everything. The other day was the first time that he told me he was scared of being so committed at a young age. I'm pretty sure I lost it. I went in complete panic mode. It was as if all the alarm systems in my body went off. I had been feeling weird towards him, especially since the night before he had really just wanted to go to sleep. When those words came out of his mouth I felt like I had lost the fight. It's weird because if I trace back to some of the first posts I wrote about me and drew, I've felt anxiety about our relationship since the beginning that we met. I cant say if he induced it or if it was already there. To be honest at that point I had already experienced a really shitty year at school. I hate going back to my freshman year and I was just coming back to feeling like myself. Its honestly so hard for me to love and I dont understand why I fight it so much. I fight it in every way and I dont know when I became like this. There has been so much self doubt this semester. Last semester it was repeated thoughts of not knowing if drew was the one for me, I just remember thinking about it 24 hours a day and then this year, I honestly dont even want to talk about it. But it turned into even questioning my sexuality to the point that it gave me such extreme anxiety that at one point it was hard to be around my friends. I really think its catching up to drew tho. My friends keep telling me its not my fault but its hard not to feel like it isnt when I can genuinely say that at this point, I'm not really contributing any happiness to him. I cant be secure for him because I havent been secure for myself. I'm definitely not romantic, I'm definitely not sexy, and I cant say I express love to him. You know its really sad to admit those things to myself. But its so hard to want to be able to do all those things and experience anxiety the minute I want to feel that way. Another theory I consider and I thought about last year was, do I really love him? but then I think about it and its honestly crazy how deep down inside under all that anguish and fear is that little ball of me that really just wants to give love. 

About an hour ago I started feeling a mini panic attack coming. The main fear was that I was going to be stuck feeling anxiety for the rest of my life. Thats honestly such a scary feeling or being scared to lose the people who are closest to me because of how I've been. Honestly its like that moment when drew said that my first reaction was to think he's leaving me because I'm crazy. Man listen, this man has loved me and wanted to be with me despite the obstacle I have put him through. But lord knows thats not what I really thought then. So how do I deal with this? How can I get better? What can I do to permanently feel like myself? I'm really hoping that after tomorrow I can be happy, zen, sexy queen. I want to love drew unconditionally, I'm scared too but I want to. I want to let him touch me without having fears. I want to kiss him and lose my breath, I want to make love and forget that the world exists. I want to experience that with him (now you know my brain is like well what if everything that is happening is because yall arent meant to be and you're just fighting it) well honestly then I pray to God that if thats true than he does what he needs to do. And also please just take ANYONE/ ANY RELATIONSHIP that no longer serves me out of my life. Please & Thank You