Exhaling.

I take take a deep breath in, and I exhale. I have so many questions about this next week. Drew arrived this morning, overall this week was okay (almost deleted that sentence because just three days ago I was panicking and could barely go to class). But today I feel okay, I feel rationale, I feel light, my head feels connected to my body and so does my brain. I don't feel emotional today and overall I've felt pretty happy. I woke up at 8am to a video from Tracey of Jade and Drew. For a moment, I thought, wow this is so weird. I got so used to Drew being home that I never thought I would see the day when Drew was the one that was away and coming home on the holidays. I'm happy for him. Despite all my fears and all the anxiety, its beautiful to see where life has taken him. He really lives in California and is making a life out there for himself. It feels weird to be honest and most of the time it makes me really sad because its hard not feeling a part of that. But when I'm not being selfish and when I'm being the loving, kind, human that I am. My heart feels so full for him. We facetimed for an hour this morning until he went to sleep and then I went to work. I was pacing back and forth at work so ready to surprise drew. Which if I can add, I love Baby U. and I feel very fortunate to be doing work with them and seeing the many lives they touch. Once I got out of work I rushed home and grabbed my stuff and jetted to his house. Once I got to his house I asked his mom to open the door and then ran upstairs and jumped on him. That moment between standing there and jumping on him, I couldnt help but feel so happy to see something familiar. My boyfriend sleeping on his bed. Sometimes I feel like a mom for feeling this way about him. Just to miss something as simple as that. Then I jumped on him and gave him kisses and that was so nice. We messed around for like half an hour and if his mom wasnt there, good lord, we may have made Drew Junior. I wanted nothing more than to be in that moment and it felt amazing. Leaving him was so hard but I know how tired he was and I still wish he fought for me to stay but I had to get to class. I was obviously late to my meeting which was suppose to start at 1:45 but I made it at 2:00 (typical, also something I really want to work on).  Being at HGSE has been quite the experience. I was thinking that I feel like I haven't really found my place but I think I created my own place and I think that feels better to me. I have found that creating your own place is a lot better than trying to find a place because it means that the place you created is uniquely for you. I found my friend Will and read his version of the paper I was revising which was SUPER helpful. I am hoping Sonia agrees to look over it because I would really like to do better this time around. I did homework from 2-7 and it was good, overall I was pretty focused. Part of pushed myself to focus because I know that drew was home and wanted to rest but because I am also to find that balance of investing in time for myself and time for him and I. Which brings me to my next point. I am suppose to go to a Harvard vs. Yale game tomorrow which I'm really excited about and I am pregaming for it at 9am (GOOD LORD).  My only reservation is, will Drew and I decide to stay together tonight? Is that convenient for me to sleep at Caroline's when I know I have to be up early? and also what are we going to do tonight? I think my fear is that his friends want to hangout with him and that I'll get in the way of doing that. I should remind myself that if thats the case he will find a way to communicate that if he feels strongly enough about it (I think). I'm going to call him now and see how it goes. So I just called him, and it went okay. It was weird because I dont really know what to do. Part of me feels like maybe we should just hangout tomorrow. But I ended up making things simple for myself and just telling him to sleepover.